Finding (and sharing) my voice

This first blog post is going to be short and sweet. Basically, I created this website/blog with the intention of using it as a tool to help me overcome my perfectionism. I have lived with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember and perfectionism is the feedback loop that rears its ugly head when my anxiety starts kicking in and then lends itself to my depression. It's a vicious cycle.

Now that I'm about to enter into the dissertation-writing phase of my PhD, I've finally had it with the anxiety-driven perfectionism. I struggled with it as an undergraduate student, developed debilitating pain in my right hand/wrist because of it during my Masters degree, and after completing my coursework and exams for the PhD, I'm ready to dig deep and do the shadow work and self-care necessary to integrate, heal, and move beyond the perfectionism.

My perfectionism always appears anytime I have to write, and after sitting with it, analyzing it, and writing through it, I've learned a thing or two about myself. Because I grew up kinda poor and was the "scholarship kid" at the liberal arts college where I got my BA, I developed an intense inferiority complex and pretty severe self-esteem issues. I felt like I wasn't smart enough, "cultured" enough, to have earned my spot at that prestigious institution (and I still have nightmares about being kicked out of that college and my current university to this day). Every paper, conference presentation, class presentation, invited talk, and peer-reviewed publication I've written and prepared for as long as I've been a post-secondary student felt like a torture and I almost always ended up ugly crying throughout the writing process.

Now, thanks to my witchery, my chaotic spirituality, and my introduction to concepts and practices like shadow work, meditation, and the tarot, I understand that taking the time to sit with my perfectionism and allow it to teach me something can be immensely healing and empowering. Though perfectionism can stall you in your tracks and quickly escalate to procrastination and, in my case, nightmares, it can also teach you about how seriously you take your work, how good you are at paying attention to details, and how proud you should be of yourself when you get the job done, excel, and kick ass.

In certain lineages of Tibetan Buddhism, the awakened mind and the confused mind are seen as two sides of the same reality and the two are said to coemerge; duality arises simultaneously and the trained mind, well-practiced in meditation and mindfulness, can observe this coemergence and appreciate the lessons to be learned from each side of the duality and how each extreme interacts and complements its other. In the case of my perfectionism, I can now see and appreciate both the pain it has caused and the lessons it has taught me about my strength and determination (not to mention the positive feedback I've received on my written work and research over the years!)

So here I am, sitting on my couch doing something I never thought I'd do: I'm writing and putting myself out there in this wild, crazy cyber world, believing in the value of my voice and what I can contribute to contemporary paganism, witchcraft, spirituality, and magic. With time, writing a dissertation will seem a little less daunting, a little more doable, thanks to this blog and what it allows me to do: sit and do the work. Blessed be!

"Freedom"/"Liberty" in Sumerian Cuneiform